I have never been more grateful to do things differently than this past year. One being we tend to celebrate holidays… like Christmas… a week or two before. Sometimes after. It gives us time to be together and on our own schedule. Then my mother passed away and my world fell apart. Everything was rushed… we had to hurry back and get my husband ready for drill school.
There were resources to delay the orders… to allow us to recover… and those in authority would not hear of it. I suppose they had more pressing matters to deal with. What it boils down to, is that they didn’t care and the message was received loud and clear.
It was too much.
I have been at the bottom of canyons in my life. Somehow I found a way to recover. Somehow I found a way to climb back up and out… back on to a safe path to keep moving forward… with my dignity and character intact. Each time harder than the last.
No consideration for our family or for time… Most committed to the military life know this. Do we have the right to expect anything more? This time things were different. I have never needed so much in my life. I thought deployment was hard, but compared to this… it was nothing. I needed time and I needed the one person who knew me, and I was denied both. I had to make do with what I had. It wasn’t much but I did.
To top it off while my husband was at drill school… he was ran over by a safety vehicle…
The irony of that is humorous now… but it wasn’t at the time. Probably the ease of that comes from knowing that this is a man who fell off a 20ft cliff in the Kunar Valley in Afghanistan and walked away. Really so much more happened during that deployment… all you need to know is that I prayed that angels would watch over him and they did.
So many uncertainties arose… I guess that means if I care about my loved ones and what may happen tomorrow, than it’s probably a good indicator that life goes on. So I made the choice to live.
So much unneeded stress in our lives and all at once. Doesn’t it always seem that way? It seems when everything is thrown at you, you have two choices. Either succumb to it… or grow and rise from it. Anyone who chooses neither is doomed to repeat the experience or quiet frankly will not recover. There are no glorified rules to guide you anymore than this. You can use religion, you can use your family, you can use community resources, and you can use your inner strength. I certainly will not judge you for choosing to live. As a society our basic duty is help each other to become stronger. If we can not help those who need it, when they need it… if we are not willing to teach them how to provide for themselves… how can we help those who are capable to have the courage to do more?
* We are in this together *
Even though I was alone, I know that there are those out there who know what I am talking about… maybe going through this experience with far less than I have. SO in a way I am not alone. In a way… when we share our stories… they become a part of us… they enlarge what makes us human. How we choose to respond to these stories help define our individual characters and what it means to be human.
I hope that by sharing some of my experiences that others will never have to go through it, but have some understanding and hopefully compassion for those who do. For others I hope they know they are not alone, and if I can find a way to embrace my circumstances and have the courage to rise above it… then maybe by doing so it will give someone permission to do the same.
I dare not say survive…. because that creates a poverty mindset and encourages a rut that is hard to break from and denies who we really are. I say grow… because it means we have the potential to become more than what our circumstances would force us to be. It gives us a choice to heal.
Our future is depending on us. Waiting to see what we do. How we invest in our time and energy. I have my reasons to live and my reasons to heal and I think they are worth the choice. Where ever you are and what ever you are facing, I hope you find the courage to make the choice.